15 Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage
It’s really common for men especially to complain about the number of times they have sex with their wives (okay more often it is the not having sex that they complain about). The reality is that this is a very serious issues facing over 20% of the couples in the U.S. One U.S. National Health and Social Life Survey found that 2 percent of the married respondents had no sexual intimacy in the prior year. That doesn’t seem too bad but the definition of a sexless marriage is generally broadened to having sex less than 10 times per year which gets us to 20% of the couples in the survey. There are many causes of a sexless marriage but we thought we would list the 15 most common.
- Different work schedules and all around busy lives. This is actually the most common cause because one or more partners are simply exhausted from having too many other activities going on in their lives.
- Kids in the bedroom or lack of privacy. For parents, this is definitely very common for the first couple of years. It’s really important for both the child and for your marriage to have the children sleep in another room whenever possible (that’s why baby monitors were invented).
- When one partner just doesn’t “feel” sexy. This can happen if one partner’s health has slipped maybe they have gained a lot of weight, lost their hair, or for whatever reason have low self-esteem. If they don’t see themselves as sexually attractive it can be hard for them to get into the mood.
- Business trips can be a huge part of the problem. Some jobs require up to 100% travel making it virtually impossible to be together. In these cases, it is important to make good use of vacation days to spend lots of quality time with your spouse. It’s also important to cherish the time you do have together between business trips.
- Pregnancy in general (both before the child is born and after). This is a time when a lot of hormones are changing causing some behaviors that just aren’t normal for her and like with an illness, there isn’t much she can do about it.
- Adultery. This is what most people assume is the most frequent cause of a sexless marriage but in fact it is not. However, when one of the partners is having an extra-marital affair it does usually lead to a decreased appetite for sex with their spouse (not always, sometimes they want to try new things with the spouse as well).
- Illness of one partner is also a very common reason for a sexless marriage. This can be especially difficult as neither partner has really done anything wrong, however that does not make it any easier.
- Pets in the bedroom. We all love our pets but having them in bed with you isn’t for everyone especially during sex. The only practical step to take here is to simply find another place for your pet before having sex.
- Sexual Dysfunction or any type of difficulty like erectile dysfunction or similar medical issues. These can be very embarrassing and could cause one of the partners to deprive the other partner to avoid the situation.
- Asexuality (excessive masturbation) can also be a factor if one of the partners is engaging in this they just won’t have the appetite for other sexual relations as they frankly don’t need another person to be satisfied.
- Sexual addition (pornography). If one partner is addicted to pornography they may not be able to be aroused in the absence of pornographic materials.
- Spite is another reason for sexless marriages. In general if your spouse is so upset with you that they are using sex as a weapon you already have serious marital issues that need to be addressed.
- Sexual confusion of one partner. It’s also possible that one spouse may be homosexual and didn’t realize that until after being married for a while. This will of course lead to problems in the bedroom.
- Money problems and other marital issues that you need to seek counseling for will often cause the lack of sex in a marriage. If your overall marriage isn’t strong and healthy then it should not be surprising that your sex life is weak to non-existent.
- Religious beliefs can sometimes lead to sexless marriages. For instance, some religions belief that sex is only meant for conception and that it should otherwise not be practiced.
Please keep in mind that when we are talking about a sexless marriage. We aren’t talking about a debate over whether once or twice per week or even per month is enough (sorry guys that’s not sexless). We are talking about having sex less than once per month. We can’t stress enough how important it is to listen to your partner and understand their needs and wants (note this goes both ways). If you find yourself in a sexless marriage work together to find the source of the problems and try to overcome them. If you are successful you may find that perfect balance where both partner’s needs are met and you experience a fuller, happier marriage.
